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This is the largest
compilation of Chuck Norris Facts on the Web
* The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
* In Scrabble, Chuck Norris' name is worth two million points
* Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”
* Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property
* Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he's so bad, he has never cried. Ever
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* If a child ignores the "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride" signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child's mother with his beard.
* Chuck Norris can divide by 0
* Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
* Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*Chuck Norris doesn’t have to buy a vowel, Pat Sayjak just gives them to him.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t need air, air needs
Chuck Norris.
* In 1988 Chuck Norris walked into Hanna-Barbera studios armed with an AK-47 and held the writting team of
Scooby-Doo hostage until they agreed never to use the character Scrappy-Doo in any of their cartoons ever again. Norris was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor for this act.
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a guy so hard that all of his ancestors were completely wiped out of existence, thus rendering the subject of the kick non-existent. This ended the universe as we know it until Chuck's beard began it all anew.
* Chuck Norris once jumped from an airplane with no parachute to save a man he
saw on the ground from tripping.
* Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
*Even if you have the oldest black and white 32cm television, all movies and series starring Chuck Norris will come out in High Definition widescreen with Dolby Digital 6.1 channel surround.
* Cigarettes get addicted to Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris invented electricity
* Chuck Norris' got milk
* In the American Revolution, the French didn’t send ships to help the colonists, they sent Chuck Norris, who walked on water straight from Paris to Yorktown and roundhouse kicked Cornwallis in the face.
* Chuck Norris can make water boil by staring it down.
* Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
* Chuck Norris was President without even running for elections.
* How many Chuck Norris’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris has night vision
* Chuck Norris can believe its not butter
* When Chuck Norris rolls a dice, he gets a seven
* Chuck Norris got gas. We got global Warming.
* Any number times Chuck Norris equals GOD
* Chuck Norris killed death.
* Chuck Norris once punched a drug dealer so hard, that he ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space, resulting in Chuck traveling back in time during the Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris then proceeded to singlehandedly beat the Brits during the battles at Lexington and Concord.
* Chuck Norris auditioned for the role of Albus Dumbledore for the movie "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of
Azkaban".
They respectfully sent him on his way before realizing he was a real wizard capable of using real magic.
* Michael Jordan once said “I wanna be like Chuck”
* Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
* Chuck Norris has sold one clone of himself to each country in Europe, just in case the Germans ever decide to get crazy again.
* When Chuck Norris sneezes, a small country disappears.
* When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
* When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
* Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly
* Bill Brasky refuses to engage Chuck Norris, knowing the ensuing battle would destroy existence as we know it.
* Pictures of the Berlin Wall falling do not show Chuck Norris on the opposite side, roundhouse kicking
it.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. Dirt is too scared to touch him.
* Chuck Norris does not study martial arts, martial arts is the study of Chuck Norris.
* 150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
* Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.
* When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
* Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
* Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.
* The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
* The sun don't shine on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris shines on the sun.
* If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
* Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
* Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
* A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
* Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
* Chuck Norris once built a time machine to go back and stop the JFK shooting… when Oswald shot, Chuck deflected all 3 bullets with his beard… JFK’s head them exploded from sheer amazement
* Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
* God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
* When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
* Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
* Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
* In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
* There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed
misreably.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he
pooped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s
womb - Inventing the C section
* If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
* Chuck Norris can touch Mc Hammer
* When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
* Chuck Norris Killed Kurt Cobain with a roundhouse kick to the face
* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
* The true reason for the big bang theory is Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked matter in all directions, then wrote his version of the bible, and
roundhouse-kicked it at gods head.
* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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